Title:  From a College Student

submitted by:  Rex Hutto

Sometimes things need to be seen in perspective. For instance, what, really, is the significance of the color of the new carpet in the sanctuary when set alongside, for instance, the Great Commission?

Dear Mother,

I'm sorry I haven't written these last four months. The reason I haven't is because of a brain operation I had, which was the result of a concussion I received when I jumped from the fourth story of the dormitory when it caught fire. Fortunately, a young service station attendant across the street saw the fire, called the fire department and the ambulance and got me to the hospital in time.

While I was in the hospital, the young man visited me regularly. When I was released, I had no place to go. He invited me to share his apartment. It wasn't really an apartment, it was just a basement room. It was kind of cute. Yes, Mother, I am in love. I'm pregnant and we do plan to get married. The reason we haven't gotten married is because of some silly disease he had and failed the blood test.

Sincerely, Your Loving Daughter

P.S. Now, Mother, this is just to let you know: I did not have the brain operation. There was no concussion. I did not jump from the dormitory. It did not catch on fire. I am not in love. I'm sure not going to get married! I did make a "D" in English and an "F" in history. I thought you ought to see these two things in their proper perspective.

Source: Synciated columnist Jim Davidson Tribune (New Albany, IN), 4/5/99

Title:  The Classroom Discussion

Submitted by:  Pastor Doug Ludlam Email address: PreacherDL@Juno.com

One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in the classroom.   The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children.

 The teacher asked a little boy:

 Teacher:  Tommy do you see the tree out side?

 Tommy:    Yes.

 Teacher:  Tommy, do you see the grass out side?

 Tommy:    Yes.

 Teacher:  Go out side and look up and see if you can see the sky.

 Tommy:    OK.  (He returned a few minutes later)  Yes, I saw the sky.

 Teacher:  Did you see God?

 Tommy:    No.

 Teacher:  That's my point.  We can't see God because he isn't there.

 A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.   Teacher  agreed and she asked the boy:

 Little Girl:   Tommy, do you see the tree outside?

 Tommy:    Yes.

 Little girl:   Tommy do you see the grass outside?

 Tommy:    Yessssss  (getting tired of the questions by this time)

 Little girl    Did you see the sky?

 Tommy:    Yessssss

 Little Girl:   Tommy, do you see the teacher?

 Tommy:    Yes

 Little Girl    Do you see her brain?

 Tommy:    No

 Little Girl:   Does that mean she doesn't have one?

 For we walk by faith, not by sight -- 2 Cor. 5:7

Title:  All Ye Workers of Iniquity

A Jehovah's Witness knocked on the front door of a home, and heard a faint, high pitched, "Come In".

He tried the door and it was locked, so he went around to the back door.

He knocked again and heard again the high pitched "Come In".

As he entered the kitchen a large, mean, snarling Doberman met him.

As he plastered himself against the wall he called out for help.  

Again, he heard the "Come In".  

He slid down the wall to the living room to see a parrot in cage.

He said, "For Pete's sake, is that all you can say is 'Come In'?"

The parrot laughed and said "Sic Him!"

(Luke 13:25-27)  When once the master of the house is risen up, and hath shut to the door, and ye begin to stand without, and to knock at the door, saying, Lord, Lord, open unto us; and he shall answer and say unto you, I know you not whence ye are: Then shall ye begin to say, We have eaten and drunk in thy presence, and thou hast taught in our streets. But he shall say, I tell you, I know you not whence ye are; depart from me, all ye workers of iniquity.

(Jude 1:3)  Beloved, when I gave all diligence to write unto you of the common salvation, it was needful for me to write unto you, and exhort you that ye should earnestly contend for the faith which was once delivered unto the saints.

Title:  Hymns -- The Way They Should Be

Hymns -- The Way We Might Sing Them, If We Were Honest

-I Surrender, Some
-There Shall Be Sprinkles of Blessings
-Fill My Spoon, Lord -Oh, How I Like Jesus
-He's Quite a Bit to Me
-I Love to Talk About Telling the Story
-Take My Life and Let Me Be
-It Is My Secret What God Can Do
-There Is Scattered Cloudiness in My Soul Today
-Where He Leads Me, I Will Consider Following
-Just As I Pretend to Be
-When the Saints Go Sneaking In
-Sit Up, Sit Up for Jesus
-A Comfy Mattress Is Our God
-Self-Esteem to the World, The Lord Is Come
-Oh, for a Couple of Tongues to Sing
-Amazing Grace, How Interesting the Sound
-Go Tell It on the Speed Bump
-Special, Special, Special
-Lord, Keep Us Loosely Connected to Your Word
-Praise God From Whom All Affirmations Flow
-My Hope Is Built on Nothing Much
-O, God, Our Enabler in Ages Past
-I Lay My Inappropriate Behavior on Jesus
-Pillow of Ages, Fluffed for Me
-All Hail the Influence of Jesus' Name!
-When Peace, Like a Trickle
-I'm Fairly Certain that My Redeemer Lives
-We Give Thee but Still Think We Own
-What an Acquaintance We Have in Jesus
-My Faith Looks Around for Thee
-Joyful, Joyful We Think Thee Pretty Good
-Blessed Hunch
-Above Average Is Thy Faithfulness
-We Are Milling Around in the Light of God
-Spirit of the Living God, Fall Somewhere Near Me
-Blest Be the Tie that Doesn't Cramp My Style
-Sweet Five Minutes of Prayer

Title:  The Children of Israel

From: John M. Walls

At Hebrew School, the Rabbi finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.

"Rabbi?" asked little Melvin "there's something I need to know."

"What's that my child?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, according to the Scriptures, the Children of Israel crossed the Red sea, right?"

"Right."

"And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"

"Uh ... right."

"And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again you are correct."

"And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?"

"All that is correct," agreed the Rabbi. "So what's your question?"

"What I need to know is this," demanded Melvin. "What were all the grown-ups doing?"

Title:  Beatitudes of Man

Happy are the “pushers”: for they get on in the world.

Happy are the hard-boiled: for they never let life hurt them.

Happy are they who complain: for they get their own way in the end.

Happy are the blase’: for they never worry over their sins.

Happy are the slavedrivers: for they get results.

Happy are the knowledgeable men of the world: for they know their way around.

Happy are the troublemakers: for they make people take notice of them.

Source: JB Phillips, When God Was Man(Nashville: Abingdon Press, 1955) p26-27 as quoted in Charles R Swindoll, Improving Your Serve p 35

Title:  Pastoral Candidates

Submitted by Shelly Zimboski Email - SZimboski@aol.com

The following is a confidential report on several candidates being considered for a pastorate.

Adam: Good man but has problems with his wife. Also on reference told of how his wife and he enjoy walking nude in the woods.

Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with not even one convert. Prone to unrealistic building projects.

Abraham: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man's wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another man.

Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart; believes in dream-interpreting, and has a prison record.

Moses: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.

David: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor's wife. (And had her husband killed).

Solomon: Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives.

Elijah: Prone to depression. Collapses under pressure.

Elisha: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.

Hosea: A tender and loving pastor, but our people could never handle his wife's occupation.

Deborah: Strong leader and seems to be anointed, but she is a female.

Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things; reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of a foreign river.

Isaiah: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble with his language.

Jonah: Refused God's call into the ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.

Amos: Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary training may have promise, but has a hand-up against wealthy people--might fit in better in a poor congregation.

Melchizedek: Great credentials at current work place, but where does this guy come from? No information on his resume about former work records. Every line about parents was left blank and he refused to supply a birth date.(This aside: Ancient Jewish tradition has it that Melchizedek is really Shem. If you check out the lifespan of Shem in the Bible, it seems to be true!)

John: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn't dress like one. Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.

Peter: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper--even has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.

Paul: Powerful CEO-type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night.

James & John: Package deal--preacher & associate pastor; seemed good at first, but found out they have an ego problem regarding other fellow workers and seating positions. Threatened an entire town after an insult. Also known to discourage workers who didn't follow along with them.

Timothy: Too young!

Methuselah: Too old...Way too old!

Jesus: Has had popular times, but once his church grew to 5000 he managed to offend them all, then this church dwindled down to 12 people. Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he's single.

Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach this weekend. Lots of possibilities here!

Title:  Biblical Headlines

Passed along by Dr. Tom Hall

If Biblical Headlines were written by Today's Liberal Media -------------------------------------------

On Red Sea crossing: WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE Pursuing Environmentalists Killed

On David vs. Goliath: HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock

On Elijah on Mt. Carmel: FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY 400 Killed

On the birth of Christ: HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple

On feeding the 5,000: PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH Disciples Mystified Over Behavior

On healing the 10 lepers: LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED "Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy

On healing of the Gadarene demoniac: MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE Local Farmer's Investment Lost

On raising Lazarus from the dead: FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK Reading of Will to be Delayed

Title:  Pastoral Search Committee Report

Submitted by -- Herb Evans Email herbevans@juno.com

After studying the pastoral qualifications in Timothy, we do not have a good report to give. We have been unable to find a suitable candidate for this church, although we have one promising prospect left. We do appreciate all the following suggestions from the church; we have followed up on each one with interviews and reference checks. The following is a confidential report on those, which we haverejected for the following reasons; only first names given:

1.  Adam - Good man but has wife trouble.
2.  Noah - former pastorate of 120 years with no converts, problem with the bottle, and a wayward son morals problem.
3.  Abraham - Scandal ridden, offered wife to another man, child abuse
4.  Joseph - dreamer, prison record
5.  Moses - poor communicator, stutters, unanswered murder charge
6.  David - affair with neighbor's wife, hired a hit man to kill husband
7.  Solomon - husband of more than one wife, in fact parsonage too small
8.  Elijah - prone to depression and nervous break downs
9.  Elisha - reported to have live with a single widow at former church
10. Hosea - our congregation could not handle his wife's occupation
11. Jeremiah - emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, lamenter,reported to have buried underwear on a foreign river bank, claims to have a set of recreated originals
12. Isaiah - language porblems, on the fringe, claims to see angels
13. Jonah - refuses to preach to the lost unless forced to by God
14. Amos - backward and unpolished, does not like the rich
15. John - does not dress like a Baptist, weird diet, provokes higher powers
16. Peter - bad temper, curses, hypocrite in racial matters, loose cannon
17. Paul - uses racial epitaphs, preaches all night
18. Timothy - too young and single
19. Jesus - dwindled church of 5,000 down to 12 or 120, offends folks
20. Judas - His references are solid. Good connections. Knows how to handle money, has compassion for poor. He is preaching for us Sunday.Possibilities here.

Edited - source unknown

Title:  Signs You Are Broke

Submitted by Jeff Hallmark

1.  American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"

2.  Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.

3.  You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

4.  You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.

5.  Long distance companies don't call you to switch.

6.  You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.

7.  Your rob Peter...and then rob Paul.

8.  You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.

9.  You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

10. Your bologna has no first name.

11. You give blood everyday...just for the orange juice.

12.  Sally Struthers sends you food.

13.  McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

14.  At communion you go back for seconds.

Title:  Enron Explained

From Keith Todd

Email Sermon_Fodder-owner@yahoogroups.com

In case you were wondering how Enron came into so much trouble, here is an explanation reputedly given by a Texas A&M professor to explain it in terms his students could understand.

Capitalism

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.

Enron Capitalism

You have two cows.  You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by your CFO who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on six more.

Now do you see why a company with $62 billion in assets is declaring bankruptcy?

Title:  Ungrateful Dead

Three friends arrived at the Pearly Gates at the same time. As part of their orientation to heaven, Saint Peter asked what kind of remarks they would most like to hear from their family and friends at their funerals.

"I would like to hear them say I was a great doctor and a good family man," said the first.

"I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and that during my career as a schoolteacher I made a difference in many lives," chimed in the second fellow.

"Those both sound terrific," replied the third, "but I'd like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

Title:  Famous Last Words

Don't turn it on yet, it's not quite ready.

Don't worry, it's not used any more.

Step back a bit, I can't get you in the picture.

Listen, I'm taking a course in chemistry, I know what I'm doing.

Yes of course the elastic is strong enough.

I wonder what happens if these two wires touch.

I thought it tasted rather strange.

Well "I've" never seen one that big.

You have driven this before, haven't you?

And that one over there, the red flashing one, what does that mean?

I've never had one of these fail to open before.

Are you sure they don't mind you taking their honey?

It's ok, I saw them do it on TV.

Hey Y'All, watch this.....

I bought them from a guy on the side of the road......

Are they legal?  Of course these fireworks are legal.

I think we're out of gas.  Has anybody got a match?

Source: Humor R Us   https://humor.morstad.org/