Title: The Devil's Beatitudes

   Blessed are they who are too tired and too busy to go to church on Sunday, for they are my best workers.

   Blessed are they who are bored with the minister's mannerisms and mistakes, for they get nothing out of the sermon.

   Blessed is the church member who expects to be invited to his own church for he is part of the problem instead of the solution.

   Blessed are they who gossip, for they cause strife and divisions that please me.

   Blessed are they who are easily offended, for they soon get angry and quit.

   Blessed are they who do not give their offerings to carry on God's work for they are my best helpers.

   Blessed is he who professes to love God but hates his brother and sister, for he shall be with me forever.

   Blessed are the trouble makers, for they shall be called children of the devil.

   Blessed is he who has no time to pray, for he will be easy prey.

   -- Douglas Parsons, Pulpit Helps.

See:  Luke 6:46; 1 Pet 5:7; 1 John 2:9; 1 John 3:10

Title:  Beatitudes of Man

Happy are the “pushers”: for they get on in the world.

Happy are the hard-boiled: for they never let life hurt them.

Happy are they who complain: for they get their own way in the end.

Happy are the blase’: for they never worry over their sins.

Happy are the slavedrivers: for they get results.

Happy are the knowledgeable men of the world: for they know their way around.

Happy are the troublemakers: for they make people take notice of them.

Source: JB Phillips, When God Was Man(Nashville: Abingdon Press, 1955) p26-27 as quoted in Charles R Swindoll, Improving Your Serve p 35